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The Sparkling Future of Mental America By David K. Nelms
January 14, 2005
Talking to a therapist is a lot like eating a cold stick of butter without having beer to wash it down with. So someone invented Prozac, which allows you to "participate in your own recovery" while you sit and dream of dismembering your parents. Recent problems with the drug, however, have forced its makers to re-evaluate the conditions under which it should be used. It is now considered safe only for patients with buckled, wrap-around sleeves and lumpy pads in every direction.
But the American politician has come to the rescue. Determined to wipe out mental disparagement, it has turned to the only reliable method of making psychiatry obsolete.
"Ah!" you might think, "They will outlaw all forms of crack-pottery and thus disperse these useless parasites to the four winds!" But you would be incorrect. If they passed laws against being crazy, stupid, perverted or dishonest we would be back to where we started: In a country with limited government and leaders that deserve to live.
And that ain't gonna happen. At least not until someone invents choke-proof pretzels laced with truth serum.
No, the answer lies in the words of my favorite sage, Golam Sarwar. He eloquently sums it up in this one, perfect sentence. "There are no psychiatrists in Bangladesh".
At last we can become enlightened and glimpse the genius that resides in shrunken political heads. Golam explains further. "In Bangladesh, people don't worry about psychology, they worry about where their next meal will come from."
The American therapist is facing extinction from an altogether new source: a crumbling economy. Recent mental-health commercials reek with desperation as suicidal voices drone on about how terrible your pain is. But the agony dripping from the voice is not really yours; it is the result of falling patient numbers, a declining dollar and house payments that won't go away. These people are feeling the crush.
Not to worry. As America slips from the list of free economies and begins circling the drain, American therapists will psychoanalyze the problem and take aggressive action. Sinking thousands of dollars into fake passports and new identities, they will avoid the draft, sneak aboard cargo ships and go where the new money is. For this reason, I will offer the next generation of products for therapists on the upswing, and it shall be named:
Dave's Linguistic DVD Package for Mental Health Professionals
"How to Speak Chinese with a French Accent"
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