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Building the Perfect Wife Beater with NLP By David K. Nelms
December 7, 2004
He was glad to be home and she greeted him at the door with a smile. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, this gentle, caring man was filled with violent rage. In that instant he struck out with his fist and sent her plunging to the ground. Immediately the anger was gone and in its place was a swirling eddy of shock, guilt and nausea. He could not believe this had happened; nothing like it had ever occurred before.
As he tended to his dazed and injured wife one thought pierced his confusion and panic: the knowledge that this act was the result of something I had subjected him to. It was yet another NLP technique I was experimenting with and he was my latest victim. The pieces fell together quickly, but it didn’t make the situation any easier. His wife would be left with a black eye, he would be left with humiliation and disgrace, and I would be left without a friend.
Naturally, what you really want to find out is, “What specific technique caused this calamity? Am I endangering my patients and my reputation?” Verily, it is well worth wrapping your mind around this situation. Understanding how it occurred will enable you to avoid such problems yourself.
The technique was incredibly simple. It was advertised in one of Bandler’s books as being able to reduce the emotional charge of a bad memory. Since my policy was never to try any technique on someone else until I had tried it on myself first, I gave it a proper shakedown. Preliminary testing looked good and, beginning with Charlie, I set out to rid the world of suffering.
Charlie was a bartender. As such, he was trapped like a bug with no possible escape. His only two options were to wipe the counter or talk to me, the patron. Since he was a nice guy with nothing better to do, he usually went along with my antics and tried my self-help technique of the moment. We got to know each other pretty well. I liked him.
But on that fateful day, I started out by asking Charlie to “find within himself” a “bad feeling” of any sort at all. I was hoping for a really painful one and I got it. He looked positively miserable even to think about it. Like an idiot, I assured him that this would be the last time he would have to suffer this agony.
Next, I had him trace the painful feeling back in time. He was easily able to recall its source: He was about the tender age of four and his father came home drunk and angry. The inebriated beast assaulted his mother suddenly and without reason. This horror lived within him always and I felt that I would be a hero for relieving him of its terrible sting. I began to gloat in advance.
Deftly, I executed the maneuver. Since his obvious discomfort appeared more on the left side of his body I pressed two separate areas on his left (shoulder and forearm), while instructing him to feel the pain merge into these “anchors”.
The result was immediate and spectacular. Upon being prodded to consider the bad memory, his face showed relief. I congratulated myself and went home. That night he showed up at my door with choice words and ardent instructions about where I should go and what I should do with my shiny new NLP book.
After that I spent my time buried in neurological texts and, as pledged, withheld my mandatory NLP services from humanity. Fortunately, it turned out to be quite interesting and made a lot of sense. At this point I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened. Follow this rule to stay clear of trouble and get the best possible results with these types of interventions:
#1 Deal with the anger first.
The NLP technique wasn’t the issue - it did just what it was supposed to do. The problem was my failure to dig deep enough before whipping out the magic wand. There were two sides to this coin. Charlie had been exposed to a violent father and had unwillingly learned to imitate him. But he also rejected this sort of behavior with all his heart and soul, so here we have a man who’s mind is locked in constant battle between two forces. One is driven by anger and the other is driven by pain.
The behavior that was driven by anger was held firmly in check by the behavior driven by pain. He had never lifted a hand against another human being. But eliminating the pain set the anger loose. He never even saw it coming. And so my friends take it from me: When you are faced with formative memories of violence, exercise extreme caution and think before you act.
All I had to do was take out the anger first. In this case I didn’t suspect it was there; my fixation was on salving my friend’s wound. Never again will I wonder if anger lurks amongst violent memories. It does and it must be tamed.
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